January Connections

At this time of year, my thoughts often turn toward my past, and my life with my husband. His birthday and the anniversary of his death are both in January.

A few weeks ago I was struggling with anger. Sparked by a situation, it fueled some deep resentment that I had allowed to lie dormant in my heart. Joann (my spiritual director) encouraged me to go there—to spend some time getting to the root and deciding how to respond. She suggested that I imagine sitting with God and Spencer, since he’s with God, and listen for what they might say. It was a very emotional time as it had been a long time since I had actually envisioned Spencer talking to me. But talk he did. Read my speech. Read my speech. I knew immediately he was referring to his last speech delivered at Belhaven University four days before he died. It was entitled: Playing the Grace Card.

Several days later on a quiet morning, I read Spencer’s speech, and I fell under the spell of the awesome invitation to grace, just as Spencer had 14 years ago. God’s gift of grace to us is not an end in itself—it was also meant to be a gift we give each other. Grace and anger are like oil and water. Let it go. It’s so not worth the energy. Give the gift of grace. It was good to hear from Spencer. I do miss his insights.

A few days later, my daughter called from Jackson. My niece was visiting her, and they wanted to visit Spencer’s grave site and needed some directions. I was surprised by their plans; the children haven’t been to the cemetery since we moved from Mississippi. I spoke with Jubilee later about the visit. It was an emotional time for her, as she told her dad, I’m a writer now. A giant step for a child who’s mourning is unspoken.

The next week I had lunch with my older sister. Esther and her husband had spent some time on an island in the Atlantic, celebrating their 40^th wedding anniversary. Walking on the beach one morning, there was a portal in the sky; the kind of hole that opens and lets rays of the sun shine through. The children and I welcome portals as openings that Dad uses to view us as we go about our lives. Esther knew of that, and as she looked up at the portal, she began to talk to Spencer, naming each of us and telling him how we were doing. It was a very emotional experience for her, and for me as well, as I read her account in her journal. It was another connection.

Yesterday I received a facebook message from a good friend. She was explaining to her children why it was important to remember Martin Luther King, and as she told them about the hardship and sacrifice of the civil rights struggle, she thought of Spencer, and she thought of me, and she just wanted me to know. Thanks, Lisa.

This morning I sat down to listen to a sermon from my virtual church—Redeemer Presbyterian in Jackson, and to my surprise and joy, the scripture for the message was Joshua 1:9. Be strong and have courage; be not afraid, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. This was Spencer’s favorite verse. One he taught the children. And it’s been a mantra that I’ve repeated to the children when they have faced difficult and trying times.

I would just like to say, Thank you, Father, for meeting me in these days with Spencer connections. While fourteen years has certainly lessened the pain, a reminder of Spencer’s wisdom and his love for his family, is a welcomed gift in January.

January 2012