Belonging

I followed my heart
off the road
onto a well-worn path

Among the
quaking beech tree leaves
the swaying southern pines
the fallen logs
the leafy beds
the bird song and the wind

I fell into
that deepest truth
known from Eden time

I belong to all of this
and it all belongs to me

Black Panther

I went to see Black Panther

And once again my heart was broken

The sins of my fathers—my sins

Are so apparent and starkly portrayed 

We are thieves

We stole human beings from their

Families, homes their land

Their civilizations and potentials

We are white supremacists

We collected up lands and people and resources 

And made them our own

Without thought or regard

We are liars

We make up our stories to suit our cause

Stories of our godliness, intellect and goodness

To cover the truth of our hatred and fear

All this, carried out under the gaze

Of the Father who made each his beloved

Thinking if we use his name our sins

Will go unnoticed 

My heart is broken open as I watch the scenes unfold

The beauty and wisdom of those we call savage

There are not enough tears to cry

To wash away the wrongs that we have done

Black Panther 

Call forth the courage of your children

Call forth their beauty and their glory

Give names to those whose names we’ve stolen

Perhaps your time has come...

The First Sunday

It’s the first Sunday of lent. 

Jesus in the wilderness 

Giving up sweets and Facebook 

Trying to be closer to God. 

It’s the first Sunday after the release of 

   Black Panther 

A story so rich and sad and unforgivable 

Probability stolen from a whole continent 

Gone. Never get it back 

It’s the first Sunday that seventeen families

Go to church without the loved one 

That was gunned down with an AR-15

In a nation that worships at the altar of the 

    NRA

We sing

We share the peace

We kneel at the rail

We taste the bread and wine

I am angry 

and sad 

and resentful 

And disappointed 

and angry 

and sad

“Look with compassion, O Lord, on this your  

    people

That rightly observing this holy season,

They may learn to know You more fully

And to serve you with a more perfect will.”

What does it even mean...

A Golden Thread

Oh come Emanuel 

And advent and the holidays

They’ve come and gone

And I rallied myself to hope

And faith for the coming days

Then comes one financial challenge 

Then another then another

And hope is a distant gleam

As anxiety and fear swoop in

And keep me awake at night

And angry through the day

I rise and make my morning coffee

I watch the birds come and go 

From the feeders in the yard

Under the watery wintry glow of the sun

I sit quietly and listen for a word

Of reassurance of presence of love

It’s nothing big

But I’m reminded of the birds

How they make it through the cold 

And the flowers that now lie dead

With roots and seeds that come to life in 

     spring 

Of the strength and courage of my children 

Of the love of family

With silent tears comes the knowing 

That today and tomorrow will come

And the next week and month and year

And I’ll look back once again

And see the thread of grace 

That even now is weaving gold and silver

Through my days 

A Journey Through Darkness

In the Spring of 2011, just as he was finishing his third year of law school at University of Virginia, my son was accused of lying about an incident of racial profiling he had experienced. He was not able to attend graduation, he lost the job he had lined up after graduation, and his reputation was destroyed. He was cleared by the UVa Honor Court, and later granted his degree, passed the Pennsylvania Bar Exam as well as the Character and Fitness inquiry. This experience was complicated by a coerced confession at the hands of an FBI agent, during which Johnathan agreed to recant the story of his experience to "make it all go away." His legal counsel advised him to keep the FBI involvement silent for his own security and safety. It has now been six years, and the statute of limitations has passed, giving him freedom to tell the whole story, including the role of the FBI which had previously been unknown to the general public. 

Needless to say, the days, weeks and months surrounding this experience were awful. It was so hard to watch my son struggle to stay afloat--always positive and always working on the next step for his future. I did not handle things well, and was an emotional wreck for months. Following are some of my thoughts from that time.

NOTE: Johnathan persevered in his quest to practice law in the field of educational law and is presently working at Harvard University in Cambridge as part of the legal counsel team at that university. He's one of the most engaging and highly motivated young people I know, and I say that with all the objectivity of a proud mother.


A Psalm—Pleading for Mercy                        5/11/11

Lord have mercy.
My heart is heavy and my eyes are full of tears.
My heart and mind are overwhelmed with thoughts of
anger, grief, disbelief, and pain.
Please, have mercy.
Save my child.
Remove him from this pit of snakes where he is struggling
to keep his life on track.
I find myself trying to find the right words to get your attention, Father.
I think if I can somehow say it in the ordered way
You will intervene and make things right.
I know there are no perfect words
I believe you hear me right where I am—in this awful downward spiral
of emotion
Father please have mercy on my son.
Grant him favor
open the ears of those who have power to hear the truth
That’s what this is all about—truth.
But our lips are sealed and we can’t intervene on his behalf
No one seals your lips, Father.
You are our only hope.
I can’t sleep or eat or pay heed to my work
My son’s face comes to me, or I hear him on the phone
and I have to find a place of solitude to pour out my tears and my heart.
Lord, please have mercy on us.
Because you have given us your holy spirit to dwell in our hearts
filling us with all that you are and have,
Along with the apostle I say,
For this reason, I bow before you Lord, maker of heaven and earth
lover of my soul and of my son
pleading through the power of that same spirit
pleading for your intervention and salvation.
Calling on your strength and might, creator of the world
Come and heal and save.
I will stay in this pit with this reality
Until you come and save us.
Please Lord, come
Have mercy on us.


Threads           5/14/11

I woke up from my drugged sleep
feeling sluggish and heavy
I sat with my morning coffee
and a great sadness returned
and soundless tears rolled down my face

I took my coffee to the stoop in the backyard
and the normalcy of life washed over me
new blooms in the garden—new weeds too
harsh cries from birds
disturbed by the wanderings of my cat

in ten years, mom, we’ll look back
and talk about this with disbelief
assurances from my daughter

where is my solid ground?
where my hope and strong faith?
they are drowning in the sea of present realities
and I am hanging on to the thread
of what I’ve known to be the greatest reality
God’s love for me and my children


Justice?          5/21/11

An unjust confrontation
revealing man in his true form
giving for one brief moment
insight into how injustice feels

has now turned around
doubled back and become a second wound
evil came and had his way
and great havoc has been wrought

and here is the innocent
at the threshold of his glorious moment
shut down and made to look like sin
turning the truth into a lie

with motivation of the deepest purity
to help provide for those dear to him
he persevered and worked his future
in spite of numerous obstacles—he ran

and now
was it for naught
it can’t be so
injustice cannot have the last word


Dark Nights       5/22/11

Why is it that when I close my eyes
my mind flies to the darkest thoughts of the day?
I replay all the details of my son’s descent into pain and betrayal.
How did it all happen?
Why doesn’t someone step in and stop it?
Where’s the man who brought it down and how does he get away with it?
How will he pay for his education, now that he’s been cast out?
I recall my mantras—
sleep…sleep…sleep
peace…peace…peace
Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy; Lord have mercy Christ have mercy.

Sometimes I wake up several hours later
and realize that it worked.
Sometimes I get up and on with the day.
I can delay the darkness till another night.


My dear sister-in-law, Joanie Perkins Potter, an attorney in Jackson, Mississippi, flew to Lancaster to spend a few days with us. She was so encouraging and just what we needed. I began to see some hope, even if the outcome we hoped for didn't come.

Joanie Brings Hope

Because my natural bent is Debbie Downer
You know--worst case scenario and all that
I tend to draw the breath and life out of an already sad situation

Here comes Joanie, auntie from the south
And like my son, she talks of hope and turning things around;
Looking for the proverbial silver lining

It's a God thing--a sign of His grace and mercy in our life
That he sent us this gift from Jackson
Bearing gifts and collard greens and hope.


The University of Virginia has an honor system that requires someone, if they are accused of lying, cheating or stealing, to undergo a trial by their peers. These violations of honor are taken very seriously and there is only a single sanction--expulsion from the University. Johnathan was accused of lying and therefore was required to appear before an honor court. 

Honor Trial       7/15/11

Tomorrow we go to Charlottesville.
I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime since that Saturday in May.
So many emotional ups and downs—mostly downs.
Turmoil in my gut and tears in my eyes.
My child has taught me so much
And he’s the injured party.
I shouldn’t be surprised. After all,
he’s fought dragons in the past.


Hysteria         8/31/11

I am laughing; no I’m crying
Am I laughing or crying?
I can’t tell—they both bring tears
Is it funny; no it’s sad
Is it funny or sad?
I’m not sure—it’s unbelievable.
Good or evil?
That is up to God.
And that’s the Truth.


I wrote this poem to express my love and appreciation for JoAnn Kunz, my spiritual director and dear friend. She was truly a lifeline back to sanity and grace.

To Jo

A crushing blow was dealt my son
And down I went with grief and disbelief
When I tried to stand I needed help

I tried the conventional way
Consulting a help professional
I knew it wasn’t what I needed—
I wanted someone to guide me toward God’s face

As I struggled for sense and meaning
Into the gaping wound there stepped a friend—
Someone to direct me to the face and heart of God
And as she listened to my story
She guided me back to the flowing stream
Where I plunged in with no regard for depth

In the ensuing weeks and months
I have moved from grace to grace
At home in divine mystery and love
And with each encounter
She gathers up my life into
A gift, a grace, a prayer

…you are my kingdom come…

Names have been named          9/27/17

Names have been named—

Hilland, Fielding Blakey

They may not care

They may feel nothing now

But I believe they

remember the day

they cornered my son

and humiliated and wore him down

Now I can let go

Now I can even forgive

They will not have the last word

He has persevered

courageous and determined

always under a cloud of fear

But no longer—He’s free

Names have been named

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep, pain, which cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.   - Greek playwright, Aeschylus

Hindsight

A story in the Old Testament

tells of a young man sold into slavery

by his jealous brothers

Years later this young man

saves the lives of his brothers

when a famine left them starving

Don’t be afraid, Joseph said to his brothers

what you meant for harm

God meant for good

To the police who stopped and treated my son rudely

to the police lieutenants sworn to serve and protect

to the agent from the FBI whose goal was to make it go away

To lieutenants Fielding and Blakey, and agent Hilland

You sold my son to the system

Hoping to get him off your grid

You cost him graduation and his job

You sullied his reputation

You made his mother cry in despair

But what you meant for harm

or maybe just to rid the campus of an inconvenient truth

what you did to this beloved young man

this dragon slayer who had already overcome so much

while horrible and almost fatal to his future

Has proved to be no match

for his tenacity, integrity and strength

for his prowess and determination

You did not write the end of his story

what you meant for harm

God has used for good

Stepping Out of the Boat

i ponder this feat
as i take a morning
meditation walk
and it occurs to me that
this does not require
a major miracle
or act of greatness

as i pick up cups
and napkins and
ketchup wrappers
i know that getting
out of bed each
morning is, for me
stepping out of the boat

Fall came today

Fall came today

Actually it crept in during the night

While we were asleep

And we woke this morning

To a cool breeze

The bluest sky

Happy birds

I sit on the back porch

In my Harvard hoodie

(Which I’ve been longing to wear

since I bought it in Cambridge 

where I was visiting my son)

Listening to the clothes

Flapping on the line

It always comes

But I am always 

Taken again by surprise 

At the joy it brings

Along with an edge of sorrow

And the dying to come

The cold darkness of winter

9/30/17