In the Spring of 2011, just as he was finishing his third year of law school at University of Virginia, my son was accused of lying about an incident of racial profiling he had experienced. He was not able to attend graduation, he lost the job he had lined up after graduation, and his reputation was destroyed. He was cleared by the UVa Honor Court, and later granted his degree, passed the Pennsylvania Bar Exam as well as the Character and Fitness inquiry. This experience was complicated by a coerced confession at the hands of an FBI agent, during which Johnathan agreed to recant the story of his experience to "make it all go away." His legal counsel advised him to keep the FBI involvement silent for his own security and safety. It has now been six years, and the statute of limitations has passed, giving him freedom to tell the whole story, including the role of the FBI which had previously been unknown to the general public.
Needless to say, the days, weeks and months surrounding this experience were awful. It was so hard to watch my son struggle to stay afloat--always positive and always working on the next step for his future. I did not handle things well, and was an emotional wreck for months. Following are some of my thoughts from that time.
NOTE: Johnathan persevered in his quest to practice law in the field of educational law and is presently working at Harvard University in Cambridge as part of the legal counsel team at that university. He's one of the most engaging and highly motivated young people I know, and I say that with all the objectivity of a proud mother.
A Psalm—Pleading for Mercy 5/11/11
Lord have mercy.
My heart is heavy and my eyes are full of tears.
My heart and mind are overwhelmed with thoughts of
anger, grief, disbelief, and pain.
Please, have mercy.
Save my child.
Remove him from this pit of snakes where he is struggling
to keep his life on track.
I find myself trying to find the right words to get your
attention, Father.
I think if I can somehow say it in the ordered way
You will intervene and make things right.
I know there are no perfect words
I believe you hear me right where I am—in this awful
downward spiral
of emotion
Father please have mercy on my son.
Grant him favor
open the ears of those who have power to hear the truth
That’s what this is all about—truth.
But our lips are sealed and we can’t intervene on his behalf
No one seals your lips, Father.
You are our only hope.
I can’t sleep or eat or pay heed to my work
My son’s face comes to me, or I hear him on the phone
and I have to find a place of solitude to pour out my tears
and my heart.
Lord, please have mercy on us.
Because you have given us your holy spirit to dwell in our
hearts
filling us with all that you are and have,
Along with the apostle I say,
For this reason, I bow before you Lord, maker of heaven and
earth
lover of my soul and of my son
pleading through the power of that same spirit
pleading for your intervention and salvation.
Calling on your strength and might, creator of the world
Come and heal and save.
I will stay in this pit with this reality
Until you come and save us.
Please Lord, come
Have mercy on us.
Threads
5/14/11
I woke up from my drugged sleep
feeling sluggish and heavy
I sat with my morning coffee
and a great sadness returned
and soundless tears rolled down my face
I took my coffee to the stoop in the backyard
and the normalcy of life washed over me
new blooms in the garden—new weeds too
harsh cries from birds
disturbed by the wanderings of my cat
in ten years, mom, we’ll look back
and talk about this with disbelief
assurances from my daughter
where is my solid ground?
where my hope and strong faith?
they are drowning in the sea of present realities
and I am hanging on to the thread
of what I’ve known to be the greatest reality
God’s love for me and my
children
Justice? 5/21/11
An unjust confrontation
revealing man in his true form
giving for one brief moment
insight into how injustice feels
has now turned around
doubled back and become a second wound
evil came and had his way
and great havoc has been wrought
and here is the innocent
at the threshold of his glorious moment
shut down and made to look like sin
turning the truth into a lie
with motivation of the deepest purity
to help provide for those dear to him
he persevered and worked his future
in spite of numerous obstacles—he ran
and now
was it for naught
it can’t be so
injustice cannot have the last word
Dark Nights 5/22/11
Why is it that when I close my eyes
my mind flies to the darkest thoughts of the day?
I replay all the details of my son’s descent into pain and
betrayal.
How did it all happen?
Why doesn’t someone step in and stop it?
Where’s the man who brought it down and how does he get away
with it?
How will he pay for his education, now that he’s been cast
out?
I recall my mantras—
sleep…sleep…sleep
peace…peace…peace
Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy; Lord have mercy Christ
have mercy.
Sometimes I wake up several hours later
and realize that it worked.
Sometimes I get up and on with the day.
I can delay the darkness till another night.
My dear sister-in-law, Joanie Perkins Potter, an attorney in Jackson, Mississippi, flew to Lancaster to spend a few days with us. She was so encouraging and just what we needed. I began to see some hope, even if the outcome we hoped for didn't come.
Joanie Brings Hope
Because my natural bent is Debbie Downer
You know--worst case scenario and all that
I tend to draw the breath and life out of an already sad situation
Here comes Joanie, auntie from the south
And like my son, she talks of hope and turning things around;
Looking for the proverbial silver lining
It's a God thing--a sign of His grace and mercy in our life
That he sent us this gift from Jackson
Bearing gifts and collard greens and hope.
The University of Virginia has an honor system that requires someone, if they are accused of lying, cheating or stealing, to undergo a trial by their peers. These violations of honor are taken very seriously and there is only a single sanction--expulsion from the University. Johnathan was accused of lying and therefore was required to appear before an honor court.
Honor Trial 7/15/11
Tomorrow we go to Charlottesville.
I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime since that Saturday in
May.
So many emotional ups and downs—mostly downs.
Turmoil in my gut and tears in my eyes.
My child has taught me so much
And he’s the injured party.
I shouldn’t be surprised. After all,
he’s fought dragons in the past.
Hysteria 8/31/11
I am laughing; no I’m crying
Am I laughing or crying?
I can’t tell—they both bring tears
Is it funny; no it’s sad
Is it funny or sad?
I’m not sure—it’s unbelievable.
Good or evil?
That is up to God.
And that’s the Truth.
I wrote this poem to express my love and appreciation for JoAnn Kunz, my spiritual director and dear friend. She was truly a lifeline back to sanity and grace.
To Jo
A crushing blow was dealt my son
And down I went with grief and disbelief
When I tried to stand I needed help
I tried the conventional way
Consulting a help professional
I knew it wasn’t what I needed—
I wanted someone to guide me toward God’s face
As I struggled for sense and meaning
Into the gaping wound there stepped a friend—
Someone to direct me to the face and heart of God
And as she listened to my story
She guided me back to the flowing stream
Where I plunged in with no regard for depth
In the ensuing weeks and months
I have moved from grace to grace
At home in divine mystery and love
And with each encounter
She gathers up my life into
A gift, a grace, a prayer
…you are my kingdom come…
Names have been named 9/27/17
Names have been named—
Hilland, Fielding Blakey
They may not care
They may feel nothing now
But I believe they
remember the day
they cornered my son
and humiliated and wore him down
Now I can let go
Now I can even forgive
They will not have the last word
He has persevered
courageous and determined
always under a cloud of fear
But no longer—He’s free
Names have been named
He who learns must
suffer. And even in our sleep, pain, which cannot forget, falls drop by drop
upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom
through the awful grace of God. - Greek playwright, Aeschylus
Hindsight
A story in the Old Testament
tells of a young man sold into slavery
by his jealous brothers
Years later this young man
saves the lives of his brothers
when a famine left them starving
Don’t be afraid,
Joseph said to his brothers
what you meant for
harm
God meant for good
To the police who stopped and treated my son rudely
to the police lieutenants sworn to serve and protect
to the agent from the FBI whose goal was to make it go away
To lieutenants Fielding and Blakey, and agent Hilland
You sold my son to the system
Hoping to get him off your grid
You cost him graduation and his job
You sullied his reputation
You made his mother cry in despair
But what you meant for harm
or maybe just to rid the campus of an inconvenient truth
what you did to this beloved young man
this dragon slayer who had already overcome so much
while horrible and almost fatal to his future
Has proved to be no match
for his tenacity, integrity and strength
for his prowess and determination
You did not write the end of his story
what you meant for harm
God has used for good
