Sometime in the early
2000’s, my dear friend asked me to write some wisdom that she could share with
her daughters on an occasion of their being together—I don’t remember the exact
date or the occasion. This is what I wrote:
Although simple and basic, the following four words provide growth
and stability in a sometimes chaotic world.
FUN
My son Johnathan recently started college at Temple
University in Philadelphia. He loves it! He has been looking forward to living
in the big city—all kinds of people, things to do, places to go. He is doing
his schoolwork, and he transferred his employment from Starbucks in Lancaster
to a local Starbucks near the University. But in addition to studying and
working, he is dancing. Every Friday and Saturday night, into the morning.
I’m trying to find my way here. I mean, should I be worried?
Should I be fussing at him? Should I be going down there on the weekends? We’ve
always talked about everything (almost everything), so he doesn’t try to hide
this from me. He’s having a blast.
One morning not long ago I was reading in a daily thoughts book, and the author was
talking about King David, and how he conquered the city of Jerusalem, a heavily
fortified city, renaming it City of David. After the victory, he threw a huge
party, drinks all around, loud music, and yes, dancing. In fact David stripped
down to his skivvies and danced—in front of the ark of the covenant, where God
dwelled. He danced to hard his wife got mad it him for making a fool of
himself. I started to laugh, and I said, out loud: Go ahead, Johnathan, dance your heart out.
Lighten Up
I am a one on the enneagram, and my call to integration is
to a seven—relax and have some fun.
While my children have been a great help in this regard, it is not easy for me
to cut loose and enjoy myself. On a Saturday morning when all good girls are
doing their cleaning and washing and whatever else we do on a Saturday morning,
I have learned to bring my coffee and a bowl of honey nut cherrios and join my
children in front of the TV and watch One
Saturday Morning on ABC, or Nickelodeon—cartoons. My favorite is The Wild Thornberrys, but I also like Hey Arnold and Recess.
Sometimes I find myself saying No to the children, just because I can’t imagine saying Yes immediately. It can’t be good for
them to give in that easily. When I realize what I’m doing, it’s so refreshing
to stop and say, Okay, we’ll go to King of Prussia shopping for your birthday.
Or, yes! Let’s go the 10pm movie. Or, yeah, let’s go to Giant and each pick out
our favorite pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
I must say that Spencer had already begun this loosening of
up process for me. I remember just after we were married, waking up one Sunday
morning and Spencer saying, Honey, let’s
go to New Orleans today.
Me: After church?
Spencer: No. Now.
Me: (having difficulty
breathing) Not go to church? But… Won’t we…?
It took me several skipping church experiences to realize
that we weren’t going to be struck down and our names were not taken out of the
Book of Life. Probably one of the things that has been lost in our
success-driven society is the art of simply having fun. It’s called wasting
time, or fooling around. Even our vacations are carefully planned and
regimented to make the best use of the time. Many of us have been brought up to
make every minute count, or make hay while the sun shines. It’s just not good
stewardship to play when you could/should be working. Good spontaneous fun
activities are healthy for heart and soul. And sometimes they offer opportunity
for the best conversations—good, honest, from the heart (or gut) talks with
your kids, spouse or whomever you’re with.
Since some of us are more naturally inclined toward fun,
it’s probably good to make sure that there is some structure and planning
occasionally to avoid sliding off into the hakuna
matata attitude. Things can get
pretty chaotic and messy if all is fun and games. (See, I couldn’t resisting
saying that.)
My Belief: Give
in sometimes to that inner voice that says, Go ahead, have fun. Let loose and
go with the flow. Dance! You will learn about yourself, and experience God in
ways you would never have imagined.
FRIENDS
I tore a page from my daily calendar last week, and decided
to hang on to it for a bit. It said: True
happiness arises from the friendship and conversation of a few select
companions. (Joseph Addison)
Over the years I have been blessed with many wonderful
friends. Some have remained in my life; most have drifted away through the
years. I see them occasionally, and we re-connect, but distance and
circumstance affects the closeness we once felt. It seems that as I have headed
into mid-life, I have developed a deeper understanding and value of friendship.
I suspect this might be related to coming into a deeper self-awareness and
peace with myself. Throughout much of life, I was grasping or vying for place
in someone else’s life. Sort of a competition to be the best friend or the most
valued friend. I don’t think I was at home in most of the friendships I was
part of. There was always a surfacey, superficial element present. A fear of
letting another person totally in; anger or resentment at their lack of
understanding or steadfastness. I was usually drawn into friendships where I
had the upper hand; I was the fixer—never the one needing to be fixed.
A Few Select
Companions
This brings me to Lisa. I’ll never forget the day that
Spencer died. I tracked Lisa down (I believe she was in North Carolina), and
she promised to come immediately. Not only did she come; she crawled in bed
with me and the children. Her presence was like a favorite blanket, and I
slept.
Our friendship started several years earlier. I won’t try to
tell the whole story of our friendship, but Lisa was God’s gift to me at a time
in my life when I was giving God one more chance to make my life work. Our
meeting was sort of random—a VOCF Bible study that I attended to support
another friend. But tons of tissues and many hours of the patio by the lake
later, I couldn’t imagine not having Lisa in my life. And to this day, although
we don’t talk very often and are separated by hundreds of miles, Lisa is my
best friend. A select companion when I need to talk. She loves my children
deeply and completely, and they call her Aunt Lisa.
Over the years, Lisa has given me such insight and wisdom
into my own spiritual development, and subsequently into growing my children
into happy adults. She introduced me to the enneagram,
which totally informed my understanding of each of my kids and how they relate
to each other and to me. In a recent conversation, I was expressing my worries
that my kids are not getting enough biblical teaching and training; how will
they experience and know God without Bible school and Sunday school every week?
I went on to share a conversation between Johnathan and Jubilee, and how he was
able to encourage and comfort her. That’s
God in him, Nancy, said Lisa. That was a life-changing nugget for me. I
began looking for those small God-signs; thanking God each time. And sometimes
even pointing them out to the child—that’s
God in you.
I guess I’m saying all that to make the point of the value
of a good friend. And I agree with Addition. I think good friends are few and
select. Two of my sisters have also become my very good friends. While I love
all my sisters, these two have become part of the few and select. While those
words sound exclusive or narrow, I believe in their wisdom. Remember the game,
whisper down the lane, where you whisper something to the person beside you,
and they in turn whisper to the person next to them, and so on? I believe when
friendships are taken too lightly or gathered up like wild flowers (or friends
on Facebook [recent addition]}, the
integrity and commitment is compromised.
My Belief: Chose
your friends wisely, and hold a few select ones closest.
FAMILY
When Spencer died suddenly in January 1998, while in the
emergency room waiting area, I called my mother. Her response was simple: we’re
on our way. Forty-eight hours later, around 2am, through one of the northeast’s
worst snowstorms that year, a van filled with my family pulled into our
driveway in Jackson. And I fell into their embrace. Their own hearts breaking,
and tears freely flowing, they put everything on hold to get me and the
children through the next few very difficult days. Huddled together beside
Spencer’s grave, they valiantly lifted their voices in praise to God for His
promise of resurrection.
While our family has always been close, this began a new and
different relationship for me and my siblings, as well as my parents. Having
lived over one thousand miles from home for almost twenty years, our times
together consisted of one or two weeks together for vacation each summer.
Immediately following Spencer’s death, my parents stayed with me in Jackson for
a month. I once again became their child who needed the comfort and love of
mother and daddy. And they poured it out freely and abundantly. And when they
left at the end of a month, my oldest sister came and stayed for three weeks.
And there followed a sequence of visits from each sibling (or in-law) over the
course of the next few months. The Voice of Calvary community was amazed and
moved by the circle of familial love that surrounded me and the children.
Now living in Pennsylvania, in very close proximity to most
of my family, I continue to enjoy the care and concern of my family. In the
years since Spencer’s death, I have not once heard the words, isn’t it time to move on? On the
contrary, there have been notes and phone calls and conversations from family
members regarding their own memories or struggles in coming to terms with life
without Spencer.
Intentionality
Several years after Spencer’s death, my father inquired as
to my financial status, and after confiding in him my struggles and
difficulties, he expressed concern to the larger family. One by one each of my
siblings’ families, and some of Spencer’s family, began to send monthly
monetary contributions to the support of me and the children.
I am committed to traveling to Mississippi as often as
possible to see Spencer’s family. My children belong to them too, and them love
them and me with a deep and constant love. They are generous and help to keep
our trips to the south from being a financial burden.
A couple of years ago, my mother had a stroke. Once a very
articulate, talkative woman, she has been left with a speech difficulty, that
reminds us of her frailty and what’s important in life. Since her stroke we
have made intentional effort to visit her more regularly. Each Monday, my day
off, finds me at her table for lunch with her and dad. She continues to give
thought to the quality and presentation of meals, using a tablecloth and cloth
napkins at each meal. I’m not sure how
God gets glory out of my stroke, she struggles to say. And my response? The blessing for me, mother, is that now I
come to see you every week. I am greeted at each visit with a tight
embrace, with another one before I leave. I
love you so much, Nancy, mother says in my ear.
On the second Monday of each month, any of the family who
can make it, comes together for breakfast at a local restaurant. It’s a great
opportunity to hug and smile and catch up. Recently, more of the grandchildren
and great-grands have taken the opportunity to gather. I think it says
something about family values being passed on.
I understand that my circumstances are unusual, and not all
families are called upon to rise to the occasion in the same way. In any case,
I believe that a loving and caring family is one of the most important assets
one can have. And it’s not that we are all alike and all agree. We have varying
theological, political and social ideas. We don’t all keep house the same, we
don’t all rear our children the same. And sometimes we are hurtful and mean to
each other. But when all is said and done, I can count on any or all of my
family members to love, support and defend me—hands down.
My Belief: Your
family is your biggest asset. Nurture and care for them every day. Say I love you often.
FREEDOM
I have the most difficulty expressing my thoughts around the
concept of freedom. Probably because it’s a constant battleground for me. Fro
most of my life I have been held captive to shoulds, oughts, musts, and I have
held others captive in the same prison. Freedom is license to do what I
want—and who knows what I might do, if I’m allowed off the hook. And you too,
for that matter, if I let you off the hook.
It’s About Choice
One of the difficult things about living in intentional
community (with five other families and numerous singles) was that I could not
keep up with things. It was physically impossible for me to keep everything in
order, and I was not in a position to force others to do the right thing.
Here’s an example. Our large kitchen was shared by everyone. We took turns
cooking and cleaning up. We all had different ways of doing, and the bottom
line, the kitchen was rarely clean by my standards For years I very resentfully
flung the dishrag around the kitchen, swiping over countertops that were
supposedly already cleaned; angrily tossing spoiled food from the refrigerator
into the garbage; yanking pans out of the cupboard and re-arranging them, all
the time muttering unkind criticisms of the rest of the household members (who
were basically unaware of how I felt). I talked about this a lot to Lisa. She mostly
talked to me about choice. One day I found myself in the kitchen, about to take
on another purging when I paused. And what I finally understood has continued
to change my life.
You have three choices, Lisa said: You can continue on as usual—resentful and angry; you can walk away and
stay away from the kitchen as much as possible; or, you can clean up with a
joyful heart, and give the clean kitchen as a gift to the rest of the community
members. You have the choice. I had the choice. That is freedom.
I was raised on a very stiff standard of housekeeping. Every
week we cleaned every room—baseboards and all. Cleaning the kitchen included
cleaning out the fridge—taking everything out and wiping all the surfaces. We
dusted every room every week. Windows were washed every season, at least. (Now
you can see why I went nuts in community.) One of the changes I made in freedom
was to change my housekeeping style. I would say I’m about middle-of-the-road.
I know that some of my family members are critical of my housekeeping. Here’s
where I’m free. I totally don’t care what they think. I choose to not spend all
that time in that particular activity. I’d rather go the mall with my girls, or
hang out at Starbucks with my son. It’s not about right or wrong to me. It’s
about a choice. And I am free to make the choice I want.
When I have guests, family or other, I like to sit and
visit. When we are finished eating, we move into the living room and talk. I’ll
clean up when they leave. For some of my guests (especially some members of my
family), that’s really hard. They cannot help themselves. They have to start
carrying dishes to the kitchen. Leaving the dishes for later just isn’t right.
Now, of course, choices have consequences, and the fact is that I will have
work to do by myself later. But I’ve made the choice to be okay with that. I’d
rather enjoy the company of my friends face to face, then trailing around
behind them as they run back and forth to the kitchen.
The Guy in My Head
Because of my need to do everything right, I tend to be very
hard on myself if I’m not doing what I should be doing. For example, if I turn
on Oprah when I come in from work, I have this guilty battle in my head about
cooking, or cleaning, or something worthwhile. If I sit down with a novel, I
immediately hear a little voice saying, you should really be reading something
more profitable. And if I’m reading something more profitable, I’ll hear the
little voice saying, you haven’t been reading the Bible much lately. Near the
end of a visit with my spiritual director last month, she said, once again, Nancy, be kinder to yourself. Let yourself off the hook. Why is that
so hard?
With her words in my ears, I sat down later that evening to
think. And I was led (by the Holy Spirit?) to make a decision. For the next two
weeks I would not do anything in my personal growth life that I didn’t want to.
I immediately smiled and felt a sense of lightness. I asked God to speak to me
in ways I didn’t expect. And I told him I would continue to seek Him.
The next morning, after dressing for work, I sat down for a
bit of quiet. Sarah Brightman was singing on my CD player, songs of Andrew
Lloyd Webber. As I sat there, she sang a song from Phantom of the Opera—All I Ask of You. Tears ran down my
cheeks as she sang:
No more talk of
darkness,
forget these wide-eyed
fears;
I’m here, nothing can
harm you,
my words will warm and
calm you.
Let me be your
freedom,
let daylight dry your
tears;
I’m here, with you,
beside you,
to guard you and to
guide you.
Let me be your
shelter,
let me be your light;
you’re safe, no one
will find you,
your fears are all
behind you.
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more
night;
and you, always beside
me,
to hold me and to hide
me.
Then say you’ll share
with me one love, one lifetime;
let me lead you from
your solitude.
Say you want me with
you, here beside you,
anywhere you go, let
me go too.
That’s all I ask of
you.
Jesus was singing to me (that might be a little too weird,
but it works for me) and I to Him. And as I cried, I realized that I was moved
not only by the words of the song, but also by God’s faithfulness. I had put
aside the conventional channels of seeking His face—spiritual books, the
Bible—and He had spoken to me still. And He continued throughout those two
weeks. This led me further on in my quest for freedom. (Of course I’ll continue
to read good books and the Bible; see, I had to say that.) But it has also
opened my awareness to the un-freedom I fall into when I listen to the little
guy in my head.
One of the legacies that I want to pass on to my children is
this. That they will make choices based on what they know of God, of
themselves, and of life. And that what others think is good to know, and
sometimes helps us to make good decisions. But in the end, if you make choices
because you want to please or you want to not please, you are not living in
freedom.
Truth and Freedom
There is one other fabulous connection to freedom, and that
is, of course, truth. When Jesus said, the truth shall set you free, He said a
whole lot in a few words. Saying the truth about yourself or a situation
doesn’t change it, and it doesn’t make it go away, but it’s the first step
toward wholeness. I know too many people who live in denial or illusion,
thinking that if they don’t acknowledge the truth it somehow makes it not true;
or fearing that if the truth is spoken it will be too horrible or terrible to
bear.
I did a little writing exercise recently that helped me once
again unpack some things I had stuffed without realizing it. It’s a great
little tool for truth and freedom. It was given to me by a priest at a retreat
last year. It’s simply this.
As
you enter into your time of prayer or meditation ask yourself:
Am
I tired? How tired?
Am
I angry? How angry? At what or at whom?
Am
I sad? How sad? Why? Where in my body does the sadness reside?
Am
I afraid? How afraid? Of what? Of whom?
Am
I grateful? For what? For whom?
Is
my heart at peace?
Once
you have spoken or written these truths to yourself, tell them to God. Then
listen.
As I sat with this tool for thought, I began writing in my
journal, answers to the questions. My pen almost ran out of my hand ahead of
me. Yes, I’m tired! You bet I’m angry! Sad! etc. I wrote paragraphs in response
to each question. Yet if you had asked me was I tired, etc., I would probably
have smiled and said, Oh, I’m okay.
It was a good reality check for me. And I cried and confessed and recognized
some important things about what I’ve been doing with my emotions.
(Just a side note that I can’t resist. It’s amazing to me
that I could answer yes to being tired, angry, sad and afraid. But then, I
could also answer yes to being grateful and at peace. To me, that’s one of the
mysteries of knowing and loving God. It’s beyond explanation. While it’s true
that I am tired, angry, etc., it’s also true that I am grateful and at peace.
And God is in all of that. And it’s okay with Him. He doesn’t say, well, now
Nancy, you have to choose one or the other. I believe that far too many
Christians for far too long, have believed that—that it has to be one or the
other. And since we don’t want to be ungrateful and in chaos, we say we are
grateful and at peace, and deny the reality of our pain and wounds. [Lisa calls
this Christian Crazy.) The Good News is that we don’t have to choose. I can be
angry and grateful, and God is present with me in all of it.)
It was following this exercise and after visiting with my
spiritual director that I made the choice to put aside the shoulds and oughts in my
quiet time. I believe the two are connected. I actually think that some of my
anger and fear and tiredness was from trying so hard to do right—un-freedom.
Saying the truth about that gave me the opportunity to change.
My Belief: The
truth really does set you free—free to hear God’s voice and to follow the
desires of your heart.
